Train of Thought: The past belongs in the present

& what a wonderful thing that is

A snippet of the trains of thought that have inhabited my mind as of late.

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I lay awake the other night, tossing and turning, haunted by the memories of what I had left behind. Of what I wished I had left behind sooner. Questioning why it took me so long to pull away. Questioning why it took me so long to realize that the situation was hindering me rather than supporting me, rather than allowing me to grow. Questioning why I had let it happen in the first place. How I could have not seen the reality of it all along. How I could have been so oblivious, so weak, so juvenile. And ultimately questioning why I was even thinking about it and beating myself up over it, after so many years and a whole lot of healing along the way.

The thing about the past is that it creeps up sometimes—out of nowhere, unwarranted and uncalled for. A place, a smell, a question, a song, a single thought snowballed into a full-blown avalanche. All the memories come flooding back, crashing over you with all the weight of what you thought was buried, of what you thought was in the past.

Keep the past in the past. Leave the past behind. Don’t let the past define you… We’ve heard it all, accepted it as truth. Buried everything that once was somewhere so far gone. Try and keep trying to forget all the things, moments, people that once were. Once we’ve moved on, we avoid remembering, avoid recounting, avoid thinking about all that has shaped us into who we are now. But why? Why can the past be such an unutterable thing? Why is it something we take apart from who we are? Why is it something that we try to create such space with?

So as sleep got away from me, as it does when I can’t help but think and try to release it with my bedside notebook and pen, I found myself writing the words the past belongs in the present, not in the past. The past belongs in the present. Of course it does. How could it not really? Why not let the past define us? Of course it defines us. How could we not let it? The past being all the moments that taught us, shaped us, created us. Good and bad. The lessons and wisdom that come with all of it.

I left those words alone for a few days—contemplating whether it was simply just another late-night crazed journal entry, or something to share with you. And then just the other day, I sat at my table staring at all my distractions—too many tabs open, too many journals and magazines laying around, yet not enough to tame my restlessness. So in an attempt to avoid sitting with my laptop and my thoughts, I started aimlessly rummaging through my bookshelf only to find a deck of affirmation cards I had wholly forgotten existed. I lit my sage, shuffled and drew a card.
My past has shaped me into something wonderful.

How serendipitous. I found my answer. Dedicated to whoever needs to read this, to whoever guilts themselves over the things that once were, to whoever has yet to heal, is healing or has healed. Your past belongs in the present because it has shaped you into something wonderful.

Rather than the regret that seems to haunt us, let there be grace, let there be learnings brought into your now, let there be growth. How could we ever be the person we are now without all the moments that led up to the now? We simply couldn’t. All that we have to offer in the present is because of all the things that have happened in the past. A compilation of every experience and every moment that has shaped us into who we are. Don’t live in your past, but do let it define you. We are not who we once were, but we couldn’t be who we are now without our past selves… and we only get better from here. How wonderful is that?

Yours,
Melody