Train of Thought: Trust Fall

The willingness to let go

A snippet of the trains of thought that have inhabited my mind as of late.

On trusting the fall and finding the willingness to let go.

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I like to think that I’m intuitive. That I follow my gut feelings. That I trust myself so well as to never steer myself wrong.

But maybe that’s not the whole truth.

All of us singles out there have heard it all before…
Your standards are too high.
Maybe lower them a little.
You have unreasonable expectations.
You do it to yourself.
You’re just too difficult, too complicated.

That’s not really the case now is it? I know what I have to offer and what I bring to the table. I would only expect for a man to meet me in that same place, if not from a better one. A man that I admire and that brings out the best in me. And I trust myself enough to know from the very beginning whether my needs and expectations will be met.

But I’d be lying if I said that these days, all of the endless jabs at my desires, haven't been getting to me. Is everyone right? Should I trust myself less?

In the endless dialogue of the chronically single woes, my friend looked at me and said “it’s not that you should trust yourself less, but trust others more…”

For a moment, everything stilled. I sat there, struck silent, staring back at her as her words turned over in my mind. It was a sort of revelation. She saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself. It was as though a light switched on, and the mindset I’d been holding onto—that closed-off energy I had gripped so tightly—finally gave way.

And so I have been attempting to delve deep into my psyche.

Maybe it’s not about trusting myself less but trusting others more.

What does that mean? It’s not that my instincts have ever been off. Every failed situationship, I knew would fail. Quite literally. I knew there was an expiration date almost instantly, but I pursued it anyway.

Why?

Am I constantly looking for someone to prove me right? To disappoint me? To break my trust. Do I dismiss those that may just prove me wrong? Are we all always simply looking for someone to confirm the false narrative that we’ve solidified as true.

If I’m being honest, I’ve been living this self-fulfilling prophecy all long.
Spending more time than necessary with men I already know will disappoint me, lingering just long enough for them to fulfill the expectation and give me the end I never doubted.

It’s a quiet force, this self-perpetuating and reflexive behavior, where my guardedness seeks out the very outcomes I expect most. I simply avoid being proven wrong because I love being right. I really do.

And so this begs the question…

In trying so hard to prove myself right, have I dismissed the ones who might’ve proven me wrong and broken the cycle? Have I been walking around with blinders this whole time? I wonder how many no’s I have thrown around at the nice men—the ones with good intentions, the ones who wouldn’t have broken my trust or disappointed me.

It’s not my instincts that are the problem. It’s actually my trust issues.

That was an unlock. A profound reckoning.

In light of this all, I realize it’s not about getting off my high horse, or lowering my standards. It’s about trusting a little more. It’s about loosening my grip. It’s about giving the nice men—the ones with steady hands and open hearts—a real chance to meet me where I’m at.

Maybe it’s about learning how to lean back, even when it feels terrifying, and letting someone catch me. Maybe it’s about being okay with not knowing the outcome, not knowing if there even is an expiration date.

Maybe it’s about giving myself permission to fall.

After all, a trust fall only works if I’m willing to let go.

Yours,
Melody